Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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