i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
