Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
