you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
