We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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