I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
