I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
