sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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