Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
