I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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