I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
