No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
