How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
