Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
