dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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