Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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