im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just found a bag of teeth...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
