Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
