Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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