btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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