I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
