Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
