so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
