after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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