Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
