pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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