ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
