a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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