I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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