At least make sure they are 18
Why
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
