I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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