She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Found your dick twin last night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
