He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
