i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
