Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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