this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
