well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
