Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
