I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
All the doctor said was why
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
