shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
