Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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