I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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