I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
