God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
