honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
