she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
