Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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