I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
