dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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