i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
