So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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